Vipassana - 10 days nothing but meditation! - My experience

Would you believe me if I told you I have not used my phone for ten days? I don’t know why I put myself into that situation, but I did. Even more than that: I was isolated from any kind of communication, entertainment and media. No internet, no books, no communication with people. A journey inside myself. To dive deeper, fight through old wounds and emotions and to purify my soul and personality.

I had an exiting day going by public train in middle India's heat from Mumbai to Palghar. The ticket was only 140 Rupees, which is about two Euro, but therefore the journey took almost four hours. India's public trains are very crowded. 'Crowded' is actually not meaningful enough. It's like a war that passengers have to fight to step their feet into a overcrowded train passage at Santacruz  train station. It was unique. Masses of people waiting for the train. Then when it comes and stops, people fight themselves into the mass of in- and out-coming people with their bags overhead or the ellbows crossed, screaming, pushing and getting squeezed and pushed. When they make their way fully or half into the quickly starting train they have to hold on to the handle on the top to not fall out of the open door. If they stand between others they are fine. There is no risk to fall. But also almost no possibility to get back out, when the train stops again! - Too many people.

Luckily there are train sections for females only. Those are less crowded. I watched the crazy fight with fascination and (gratefully that I am female) made my way in a female section. But even there was no seat left. I stood with my big backpacker bag between many curious looking Indian women with beautiful traditional dresses. They were watching me as I was watching them - with fascination.  I tried to look relaxed, even though I was super excited, hoping to get off in time at the right train station to change trains and reach the Vipassana Center in Palghar before night.

With the help of many helpful people and some extra time to find the right trains and platforms I made my way to the little 70.000 people town Palghar, 90km north from Mumbai. At the train station in Palghar I refreshed myself with a coconut water drunk with a strawl out of a fresh, green coconut, cut open in front of my eyes. Then I found a Tuktuk driver who knew how to bring me to the Meditation Center.

When I entered the Vipassana Meditation Center in Palghar, I had to fill out a registration form. The checkin lady behind the desk asked me: „You have a phone?“. I said „Yes“. She replied „Ok please switch it off, now.“ While I was digging in my bag to find my phone and switch it off she prepared an envelop with my name on it. Before I realised what was happening, my phone was in the envelop, the envelop was closed and it was put in a safe with all my books, my Laptop, my money, my creditcard – basically everything I thought I was dependent from. I even had to give my Ukulele away. I felt naked.

Then I followed her to my room. A simple metal bed, a super thin matress through which I could feel every metal bar of my bed, a window, little space for my cloths, and a bathroom. This would be my minimalistic home for the next ten days. I liked it. It was exciting. I wanted to take photos, but: I could not – I had no camera.

I had two hours time till the course started with the introduction. But what to do? No phone to waist time with. No music to listen to. No book to read. Wow! This was the silence I had missed for the last four month in Mumbai. Complete silence. Was I bored? I had never been bored in my whole life! But I needed something to do. I closed my eyes and thought about the people in my life. What they might be doing right now. What time it might be right now in Germany and New York...

We were twelve participants. Eleven Indian women between twenty and mid fifty, and me. We gathered in the kitchen to listen to an audio introduction recording of the Vipassana founder and Guru Ji S. N. Goenka to start the course. He welcomed us and explained that Vipassana Meditation is a Meditation technique to purify the mind, to come out of misery, live a happier, healthier life and become a better person. He said, it would only work to purify our minds, if we complete the course and follow the five very important precepts for the duration of the course. Those precepts were:

1. Abstinence from harming any living beings (I liked that. It's a precept worth living!)
2. from stealing (I agree, too)
3. from sexual action (I first wondered, why?)
4. from lies (not easy, but I'll try)
5. and from drugs or any other addictive pleasurable things. (I thought I had non...)

To make it easier for us not to tell a single tiny little lie, we were just not allowed to talk at all. Easy as that! - haha.

'Mauna' means silence and we were supposed to remain in Mauna for the durance of the course. I thought it would be easy for me. But Mauna-silence means any kind of communication. We were asked to look on the ground if we crossed ways with other students of the course. Even an exchange of a smile would be communication. That was not easy, I like smiling!

Before we went to sleep that night we went to the meditation hall for our very first meditation session. Just half an hour. We were supposed to focus on our breath. To be exact on the feeling of the air of our breath coming in through the nostrils and then coming back out of the nostrils. Fair enough for the beginning and seriously not easy to stay concentrated on the breath for thirty minutes. You think it's easy? Try it and watch your thoughts ;-) It is an eye opening experience :-)

At night when I entered my room and locked the thin metal door from inside with a little half broken latch lock I felt slightly worried. What if someone would come at night, trying to abuse me?! I didn't have a phone!
But then I realised that a phone would also not help me.
Not more than a loud scream breaking the silence.
I calmed my mind by telling myself that I am not the first person doing Vipassana. "But maybe the first white person?" "No. Shut up, naughty monkeys in my head! ... Everyone else before me survived it, too. ... Sleep now, monkeys, we have to get up very early."

The next morning at 3:50am the bells rang to wake everyone up. I didn't have an alarm clock so I only rested in Shavasana (slept only half deep) to not miss the morning bells. I was super awake with the first ring of bells, jumped out of my bed into the bathroom, took a super quick shower and got dressed. At 4:20 they rang again. That was the signal to come to the meditation hall. At 4:30 am everyone sat on their cushion on the floor in their most comfortable position and started focusing on the breath.

I knew we would have to meditate from 4 am to 6 am now, but those two hours seemed endless...
endless...

And it was cold! I was freezing! It was dark and I felt so sleepy. Every third breath I almost fell asleep. My head fell half way down, catching itself up as a reflex and waking me back up. It was so difficult! How could I stay awake? How would I survive these ten days? Could I not go back to my bed and sleep a bit more? I was so tired!

Finally, one and a half centuries later the bells rang! My stomach was right, it was time for breakfast. Yaaay!

The surrounding in front of the meditation hall was so beautiful in the light. Sunbeams shining through the little forest of palm trees, guava plants and chiku trees.
My mood lightened up with every sunbeam in my face.

The breakfast blew my mind! In the Backpacker-Hostel in Mumbai, where I stayed before, I lived one week from guavas, papayas, raw paneer cheese and the super spicy free Indian breakfast. I was too scared to eat street food and too stingy to eat in a restaurant. The food here in the Meditation center was better than all of it. It was homemade with good energies. I could literally taste the love and it was not spicy at all. Exactly what I needed after a perioud of too much green chili. There was warm Upma (cooked semolina with vegetables), dried dates, sweet chai tea (herbal milk tea), hot milk, ripe bananas and Masala Puri (fried spiced crackers) that day for breakfast. Later Idlis (steamed rice and lentil flower patties) with coconut chutney and Sambar (curry vegetable sauce) for lunch. And at 5 pm we got puffed rice with peanuts and coriander as the last meal of the day. And all this good food even though the whole course was free on donation basis.

This day I realised that only the food could help me survive those ten days. And that was true. It became even better every day. Maybe because it was the only sensual pleasure left?

The second night I decided that I really had enough and I wanted to go back to normal life. Twenty hours of meditation so far were enough for the next two month at least! I was not only exhausted from sitting and concentrating. I was even bored! The first time in my life.  And my whole body hurt! My brain was so empty. All my pleasures worth living were so far away and forbidden. No exercise, no communication. I missed all people in my life. And I didn't find any interesting topic to think about any more. We had meditated from 4:30 to 6:30 am, from 8 to 11am, from 1 to 5pm, from 6 to 7pm and from 8 to 8:30pm for two days now. In between we  had watched a guidance movie of our Guru with further instructions from 7 to 8pm.

The Gurus said, the second and the fifth day would be the hardest. I agreed that this day was the hardest, because I could not imagine that it could become any harder. At night I had a scary nightmare. It woke me up. Than half asleep I saw brutal and crazy visions right in front of my eyes. In my head. I tried so hard to hold myself back from crying. I was shaking. I switched on the light and calmed my breath. When I switched it back off I could not hold it back anymore. My emotions overflew me. I had to speak to the teachers about it the next day. I asked them to let me go. I had decided it for me, that I wanted to go.

As I had feared, they told me that I should better not leave. The operation of my mind had started. It was like an open surgery. Now that the operation had begun they highly recommended me to stay till the course was completed. They talked about the healing part in the last days which would heal all the open wounds. And they promised me that they wanted only the best for me. Scared of the consequences I decided to try it a few more days and maybe finish what I had begun. To learn as much as I can and listen to the Gurus words. He gave me hope that it would become easier as we progress. I had to do it only once in my life. This once was now.

The third and fourth day I waited for the days to become less hard. The Guru said we would get used to sitting still the whole day. But I did not get used to it at all. It felt more like the opposite. Every day my wish to move, no, my NEED to move, became stronger! My body was paining, talking to me, imploring me to please get up and move, do Yoga, run away, scream, be free again, be active!!! Or were this only the monkeys in my head? My ego? I was fighting a battle with myself or with my ego, not knowing which part of me was talking to me.
I tried to take the Gurus advice.
He said: We purify our mind by taking situations the way they are and reacting with a peaceful, indifferent mind to pain and pleasure. When we feel body pain without getting bothered or mentally effected, we reduce our past Karmas and purify our mind. And the body pain passes away anyways. The right attitude for peace of mind is, to face positive things and negative things in life neutrally with an indifferent mind. Same theory as in Yoga. Then less pain will come up in the future.  Because when we react to pain, it multiplies. Like a learning lesson of life. Once we master it the ego gets less. This would also strengthen us to overcome every difficulty in life and take pain with a positive attitude. Like a welcome help to reduce bad Karma and change the future to the better.

This was a challenge for me. I wanted to master it. Keep calm and carry on. Ignore the body pain. Keep a positive attitude. I was never too much scared of physical pain. It's just the body!

I decided to stay strong and use those remaining days to progress in my meditation and purify my soul. To work on my past Karma and eliminate the bad Karmas which are supposed to bring pain in my life. And when ever I had no more strength to meditate, I used the time to conciously overthink my life. Decisions of past and future. I had many insights and higher understandings. I had creative ideas and thought about objectives and possibilities.

The demanded technique for the meditation practice advanced. When we mastered concentrating on the area underneath the nose (where the breath touches the skin) and if we were able to feel the subtler energies there (as energetic tickling or pulsing sensations), we were asked to try the next level.

Level 2 was: To feel the gross and subtle sensations on the top of the head.

Then came level 3: To feel the gross and subtle sensations in the back of the head

Then in the ears, forehead, nose, cheeks, chin (level 4)

Then in the neck and shoulders and down the arms (level 5)

Down the chest, stomach, tummy, upper and lower back (level 6)

And so on, till we reached the tips of the toes.

Then the really crazy levels started....

We had plenty of time (more than ten hours every day) to practice and progress. To keep it exciting and challenging, the Guru guided us to the next level every day.

The last day we were supposed to scan our body like a three dimensional scanner from top to bottom and from bottom to top such as from front to back and from back to front. Or in any other direction. Crazy? - Practice makes perfect.

I had a few blind areas in my body where I was not able to feel any subtler sensations. But I improved every day and I became more and more sensitive to the subtle energies on the surfaces of my body. During the last two days, even the scanning through organs, muscles and bones from front to back and reverse started working for me in certain areas of my body. But it took me so so much energy and concentration. So much focus!!! I could only do it with all my attention for a short time every session. Not more than thirty minutes. Sometimes only fife minutes and I lost concentration and thought my brain would explode if I tried to do it just one more second. 

When I was too tired or too lazy to work, I just went back to my deep thoughts about life and people and decisions in my life. I had no choice but to make the best out of this situation, stuck in a Meditation Center in Palghar.

Before Vipassana I meditated occasionally. Actually always when I felt overwhelmed by thoughts and emotions. When I have the feeling I am getting confused and unable to deal with mental stress and worries that life brings up, I make sure I find some time to meditate about it. I meditate about a certain question, a thought or I just focus on my breath or the sounds around me or my physical body to escape the chaos in my head and take a break. It helps me to create space in my head, like a valve, emptying all the nonsense and coming back to the ground. Afterwards I feel lighter. I gain distance and I find an order for the mess of thoughts.
But this, here in Vipassana, this was too much, even for me as a Meditation-lover.

I was waiting for the days to go by. For the course get over! I counted days, hours and minutes...

Luckily it did go over. The longest ten days of my life went over. Thanks to the ever existing law of impermanence.  And as always: after mastering a difficult task it looks so easy when you look back and you feel so much stronger, because you mastered it. Greetings from the ego. ;)

Was it worth the time? I guess, yes! I learned a lot.

First of all:  I am more attached to my phone and to my social contacts than I thought. Not being able to communicate with my friends and family for a period of ten days was really hard for me. I was worried and I wanted to know how they are. And I wanted to share my insights and experiences and talk about my feelings and impressions. I am so grateful that we have internet nowadays, so that we can be in touch with our loved ones if we want to.

Secondly: I need balance in my life. Everything in moderation! Activity and inactivity. Social life and alone-time. Communication and silence. I really missed silence and meditation during my full packed time before I came to Vipassana, in the busy, loud and overcrowded city Mumbai.
But then in Vipassana nothing but silence and meditation was the other extreme. I like extremes for short periods of time to experience them, but in the long run I prefer to come back to balance and moderation. I need physical activity in my life and also relaxation. I need adventure and security. City life and nature. Friends-time and private time. Unhealthy food and healthy food. Minimalism and luxury.... The list goes on.
Buddha taught: You need to avoid extremes to become one with body and mind/ soul. You can only reach Nirvana/enlightenment if you find the right balance of everything and chose the 'middle path'. I agree.

Third: Meditation makes smart and effective. The ideas and insights I had while meditating were amazing. I wish i could remember them all. But now I am overflowed by lots of other thoughts again. I have never been as clear in my had as in Vipassana. The time to think and the purification of my mind helped me to come to many helpful conclusions and to make peace with negative thoughts of my past. It really helped me find myself.
It can heal wounds, solve problems, lose blockages and set free hidden potentials in you. Just because you become aware and clear. You step a step back and suddenly you can see the full picture.

And the last learning: We are deeper than we think. We have so many layers which we don't even know about. To feel subtler sensations all over your body is a life changing experience. You perceive that you are more than just a gross body. And at the same time just a bunch of atoms, or energy,  physically.   

According to the Yogic concept of Panchakosha, we consist of fife sheath of existence. Our physical body (Annamaya Kosa) is only one of those sheath, the grossest layer. Most of us are so identified with this layer. But there are many more: The energy sheath (2), the emotional sheath (3), the intellectual sheath (4) and the spiritual sheath (5). With an advanced meditation practice you can become more sensitive for the subtler, outer sheaths of your self. You built up a connection with your own self and become more sensitive and aware of all your layers and your personality. Imagine, I could feel my inner organs and my energy body. Within a 10 day meditation course. I gained so much body awareness and awareness of deeper sheaths of my personality, that I now feel so much more connected to my body. And this is only the physical and energetic part. But even on the emotional and intellectual level I learned a lot about myself. I have more confidence to trust my intuition, what is going on in my body and soul and what they need. I don't trust doctors more than myself when they do tests or prescribe medication. I trust my own feelings more. When I want to know if I am sick somewhere inside my body, I make an appointment with myself and meditate. Same when I feel mentally overwhelmed.

I can only recommend everyone to meditate!
Build up a connection to all your layers. Deeper and deeper, step by step. Starting with the breath and the mind. You can use PranaYama and then just focus. I  know how difficult it is in daily life to take the time for a meditation. I also know how difficult it is to stay concentrated on your object of meditation, not getting frustrated or inpatient with your self. It is hard work in the beginning, but every work is worth the effort. Nothing is for nothing. And after some time it works wonders to meditate. 

Especially if you meditate in a beautiful place and you become aware of the beauty around you and the peace and calmness inside you, it makes truly happy.