Life in India, from a western perspective

Since public internet and globalization reached India in around 1995, massive changes have taken place. Sometimes I think it is a shame that I coudn't experience the old India, but on the other side I think I a happy I get to experience it this way. Nowadays especially in big cities modernization and western influence through TV and Internet meet the old traditions of the country. It is a mixture of ancient culture and modern life, also visible in the family and personal life of the people. It is a beautiful mix.

India is incredibly rich in culture and it is different than everything I have ever experienced before. This travel experience enriched my life with so many new perspectives, especially when it comes to family life and mindset. To be in India always feels like a fairy tale or time travelling to a different age. In this blogpost I want to share my learnings about India. Please keep in mind, that this is just one of many experiences and every experience is unique. Please don't believe that it is the only truth. Make up your own mind as well.

Let’s start with religion:

80% of people living in India are Hindus. Hindus celebrate many festivals throughout the year, like the world wide known Holi-Festival of colors or Diwali-Festival of lights. 

They have a separate Hindu calendar in which the dates of festivals are set depending of the moon cycle. But even in their daily life Hindus have a lot of rituals to follow. Every Hindu family I know has at least one small temple somewhere in a room or in the garden with little figures of Indian Gods and Goddesses. And even in forests, on mountains, in open spaces, cars and streets you find tiny, little, big or magnificent temples in all kinds and variations. It is part of peoples daily life to go there to pray, to bring offerings, to sing and dance religious dances and to worship the Gods Vishnu, Shiva, Shakti, their avatars and more. 

Depending on the region in India daily religious rituals can be done as well. Those could be reading scriptures, offering food to Gods, lighting lamps or candles for the Gods, singing devotional hymns or chanting mantras and much more.

Especially for special occasions like weddings or when family members pass away, innumerable rituals take place. These rituals have been passed on over generations, they believe in it and even if they don't know the meaning or don't believe in it, they enjoy to do so.

The currency in India is Rupees. Rupees are much weaker than many currencies in the rest of the world. That is one of many reasons, why not everyone can afford to see other parts of the world. Most of them must work all their life, just to be able to sustain themselves and their families. Less people are 'rich' enough to afford travelling and some people are so poor that they have to bring up their kids on the side of the road or in slums. Really poor people can not afford to go to the doctor or get medication when they get sick, even though it' s really cheap in India, compared to western countries. You can buy a package of antibiotics for less than 1€ over the counter at any pharmacy.

From my experience, kids used to grow up and often still do with a lot of pressure to perform well in school and get a good job to sustain the family. There are exceptions, but most parents make sure their kids don't waste time for other things than studying, to get the best graduation marks and then the best University place to become a doctor, loyer, engeneer or something as respected. Many College graduates from rich families also go to study abroad to stand out from the crowd. 

When they are financially stable they are ideally supposed to marry and have kids  as well. The partner should ideally be approved or chosen by the parents, from a matching cast and from the same religion. If two people from different casts fall in love it becomes difficult, but not impossible, depending on the parents. In the worst case the lovers are not approved and have to find someone else.

After marriage, the wife usually lives together with the family of the husband. They are responsible for sustaining the family (the husbands parents) and care for them. And of course they are supposed to have kids. The pressure, concurrence and the high risk of failure, trying to fulfil the high expectations might be one reason why many young people (students age) commit suicide. Referring to the WHO, in India the suicide rate in 2015 was 16.0 people per 100.000, whereas in Germany it was 9.1 people. By the way, Sri Lanka had the highest suicide rate (34.6) and Jamaica one of the lowest (1.4).

One reason for the high pressure and expectations is in my opinion the high population of the country (in India live more than one Billion and 324 Million people on about 3,287,000 km2 land. That’s the double amount of people per km2 compared to the German surface and population). And because of the high poverty.

Parents are worried that their kids end up poor, if they don’t become a doctor. The parents are trying to bring the best out of their children. And even the parents are in concurrence over their children with other parents and they compare what they made out of their kids. 'My son made a master in engeneering this year', 'Oh nice, my son studied in the US and now he is the owner of a big company has a big house and five kids.' The kids are the most important thing in their life and they want to be proud parents.

The next characteristic of kids-parents-relationship is respect. As you can imagine, if parents have many kids and want them to study and get good jobs, they will be quite strict and demanding. They won’t allow their kids to waste time or get influenced from less educated people too much. They will expect from their kids a lot of respect and discipline. As the parents themselves also grew up with the same respect from their parents, they will teach their kids respect from older people, especially from their grandparents and parents.

It is also a fact that the men in the family have very often the power about women. Modern tendencies from around the globe influence the thinking of younger people, but females are treated differently than males. It starts in the childhood, when parents want a son and care for him more than for the daughter, because she will leave the family one day. It goes on when the wife must leave her parents and live with her husbands’ family. And then it goes on and on in daily life, when the wife cooks for her husband and takes care of the husbands’ parents and so on. I guess the roots lie in the history, where woman were responsible to keep the men in the family strong and healthy so that they could fight wars or work hard to earn their living. I don't think it botheres the women too much, who stay at home and cook for the family and bring up the kids. They see it as their part of the responsibility and the rest of the responsibility is left to the husband. And in younger generations, who are more influenced by global tendencies, it becomes more common that even women are very well educated and go to work if they need the money. I think it depends individually on the Indian husband, with how much respect he treats his Indian wife and weather he includes her in decisions and helps her in the house or not. In the families I saw, women were appreciated and respected as wifes and mothers, but still they acted a bit like servants at home and didn't say anything against the husbands decisions. Same with kids. If the dad says something, everybody else becomes quiet.

Also interesting is that it feels as if the cast system would still exist in India. Oficially it doesn't.  All families from higher classes who I met actually had helpers from lower classes or poorer families for cleaning, cooking and washing clothes. It seems to be very common in India, and from what I heard those 'mates' unfortunately not always get treated very respectfully. So, life in India can be very diverse, depending on the cast and the family and the place you are born in. You can be more or less lucky. People make the best out of it. That is very impressive for me.

But lets have a look at a few more numbers. As I said, people in India grow up with strong roots and cohesion in their family. They count on each other. And it seems as if couples stay together till they die, in most cases. Whereas in Germany the divorce rate referring to recent divorce demography studies is about 41% in India it is only about 18%.

There is 90% arranged marriage where parents chose a partner for their child, often together with the child. Numbers proove that most of these couples stay together and go through good and bad times together, without breaking up. Without devorce. I don't know if this is a good or a bad thing. I don't believe that those arranged couples are happier. I guess it is just that they don't have much of a choice. Maybe a divorced women in India just has nowhere to go. She might rather choose to stay unhappy with her husband than to leave him and be poor or a pain for her family. 

But, due to the fact of less divorce and break ups, most children in India grow up with both their parents. That might cause a more stable family life for the kids. Even though they might have to see their parents fighting a lot.

One other reason why Indian parents are more dominant or strict and very caring is the high criminality rate in India. Where ever Indian young people go, the parents want to know. They get super worried and upset if they don’t. They grow up with creepy stories of rape, murder and deadly diseases. Family members live together and grow up together. They are so close and so attached to each other, that they have a lot of fear to lose each other. That is why, generally, they want to know everything about their children. They like to make sure their kids don’t put themselves in danger or situations they might regret.

Now imagine an Indian son or an Indian daughter who has studied hard all life, didn't have a relationship before marriage, earned the first money now and always dreamed about travelling. Would this person use it to travel? This person is probably expected to marry soon and expand the family. Maybe that person has secretly the wish to do something else than the parents want. But they love their parents so much and they feel how much the parents love them. They are so rooted that they just don't want to break their parents hearts. That's it. Since family has the first priority, it would be crazy for them to quit the job and do something against their parents and friends expectations, like a world trip or living abroad. They would miss and hurt their loved ones too much. Even if they had the money for it. The people from the West like me, I guess, are more self centered, don't you think so? If we have the wish and the financial possibilities, we just do what we like, independently. At least I do, I guess. My friends and family still stay my friends and my family. And they are happy with me and support me.

I want to mention another characteristic of India. With its huge population, India is also a country out of control, with no limitations. Everything is possible. People have less, and people think smaller. There are so many open court cases that the government of India is not able to finish them all within the next 100 years. That is why people can just do what they want. There are less laws and regulations. Less paperwork, simply because the government has no capacity to process it. 

Life in India would not be the same if the government would be able to control the country. But there is simply no capacity for application forms, contracts, regulation and documentation. Too many people doing what they want, just not following the rules. That is why people can just open their own businesses, sell their invention, sell homemade food, build a hut on the side of the street, life without passport or ID and so on.

There are a lot of corrupt police men who  charge people money to put it in their own pocket or they hide crime because they are getting paid for it. Why they do it? Probably because they get paid so less that they can not sustain their families without making some extra money! In India nothing is ever sure, and everyone - tourist or local - must be ready for a surprise - good or bad - every day. It is like a country with unlimited possibilities, different from everything I ever experienced before. It is a different world.

And one more thing. The Idian people I met were absolute food lovers. Indian moms and even dads I met were all cooking experts and finger magicians. They spend so much time in the kitchen, because most typical Indian dishes consist of so many little components! And everything is made so freshly. Many people, especially women, are vegetarians. A typical meal could for example consist of one little bowl of rice, a little bowl of vegetables, a little bowl of salat, a little bowl of lentils or soup, a peace of lemon, some fresh onions, some chutney, a buttermilk drink and some freshly home made bread. Imagine you would have to prepare all those components separately in one single pot each. You would use at least six pots and pans! And Indians as far as I know never use tins. Even coconut they grand from a whole coconut and beans are freshly cooked in a pressure cooker. The food is mostly quite spicy, with green chili or red chili and with a lot of other delicious and tasteful spices and herbs. Really, all Indian people I met were just amazing cooks! Even the men! And when they are at home (even outside sometimes), they eat with their hands. They don't need knife and fork and spoon. They just pick up everything from their plate or bowl with fingers or with a peace of flat 'chapati' bread. And even in the process of cooking and preparing meals they use the help of their hands a lot.

But even India is influenced so much by globalization. People have smartphones and Internet, getting news and access to all information around the globe. Now that there is media, especially in bigger cities people change their mindset and their habits. Many old people still think traditionally and stick to their culture, trying to pass it on to their children. They cook traditional dishes every day, wear traditional clothes, speak regional Indian languages and try to teach their kids the value of a family life with the objective of safety, sharing and caring from birth to death and religion. But the younger generation grows up with the influence of western food, clothing, way of thinking and objective of life.

As soon as they speak English, use media and read about the rest of the world they realize that there is more than what they used to know. A part of the world where everything is different. American movies and soaps are enough for young people to find out that there is something like sexuality between people, that young people from different sex can hang out together in the West, that they can have dates, relationships and hook ups before marriage, that they can choose the partner they want, that they can wear what they want, spend their time how they want, travel if they want, choose a job they actually really love, basically just live their life the way they want. They also see pictures and hear stories from people who studied abroad or who have relatives somewhere else.

Then wishes and conflicts with their own culture and duty arise. These young people will probably have to fight a lot to live their life against their parents’ expectations at first, but hopefully, eventually the parents might realise that their childrens' happiness is more important than cultural pride.

I admire how my Indian young friends are so understanding and respectful with their parents and work with the cultural differences so mindfully. The people I met were all very happy, grateful and respectful even though some of their parents gave them a lot of restrictions. Probably it is just hard for me to understand, how much love and understanding the parents give them back or have given them. How much care, support and reliability.

My parents in the western world don’t ask for much and don’t have crazy expectations. They give me a lot of freedom and space for personal development and independence. 'Western parents' do a lot for us, bring us up, try to help us find the right way for us and support us when we need them. And they don’t expect us to give them much back, even though they deserve it so much. Especially because they are so nice to give us freedom, I think they deserve lots of love and care in return.

All parents in this whole world, no matter how different they bring up their kids - they just want their kids to be happy and to live a good life! Even if it sounds really cruel how strict and success-orientated some parents are with their kids, they are only trying to do the right thing.

And the children of all these parents from all over the world, just want to be accepted the way they are and live in peace with the parents and themselves. The less expectations, the easier to live in peace.

To sum it up, we grow up differently in different parts of the world and the way we grow up we consider as the best way. When you ask a guy from the mountains what the best place to live looks like, he will describe the silence, the wind, the beautiful green grass and the snowy white mountain tops. 

A person from the desert will describe the cozy heat, the beautiful dance of sand in the wind and the reflection of the sun in the dunes. 

A person from the coast will describe the smell of saltwater and the horizon above the wide ocean. 

I guess we are all the same, but we just all love our home the most and somehow, we belong where we belong.  

We naturally appreciate the way we grew up. Family life is different in every single family, but one thing is the same: It is our home, our origin. It is where our thinking comes from. That is why someone’s reality is never someone else’s. We all have our own reality, our own background and our own way of perceiving, feeling and thinking. 

The more I see, the more my eyes open for other realities.



Gateway of India - Mumbai